Easy Money
by Grand Master Thief
Summary: Eggsy needs some quick cash so he accepts an offer to film a porno. Toss in some mistaken identity, hilarious misunderstandings, one Harry Hart and you've got yourself the pornstar AU no one asked for. Cross-posted to Ao3.


**title:** Easy Money

 **rating:** (hard) M

 **pairing:** Harry Hart/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin (Hartwin)

 **warning(s):** pornstars, porn, homosexuality, language

 **summary:** Eggsy needs some quick cash so he accepts an offer to film a porno. Toss in some mistaken identity, hilarious misunderstandings, one Harry Hart and you've got yourself the pornstar AU no one asked for.

 **author's note:** This literally came out of no where and socked me in the face. I didn't even know there was a category for Kingsman fanfic until about an hour ago. And then this happened. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I made Harry Hart a pornstar. I am unleashing my pornstar au onto the world. It's not beta-ed (but probably should be) and there might be some tense mistakes because I'm half asleep but here it is in all of it's terrible glory.

Feel free to point out any mistakes you find.

* * *

 **Chapter One**

 _a hotter touch, a better fuck_

* * *

Eggsy taps his foot against the linoleum, leg jiggling in time with his rapidly beating heart. His bottom lip is raw and red, hours spent chewing on the tissue filling it with blood. He glances around nervously, half expecting some psycho to pop out and scare the shit out of him.

Looking around the nice lobby with the nice secretary and a nice office plant, Eggsy never would have guessed that something as hush hush as porn would be filmed in such a place. To be honest, when he accepted the job, he'd been desperate. Dean was being a right arse and they didn't have any money left on account of him nicking it all when he went on a bender a fortnight ago.

They'd gotten by before but that was when there were only two mouths to feed - and his mum always gave up her share. But now they had the baby to worry about and rent was due soon. Eggsy was tired of hearing his mum cry in the bathroom late at night, when she thought he was asleep. He was tired of never being able to provide for her, protect her.

Now, he might have the chance to do something right for once. For her. He wouldn't be such a colossal fuck up anymore. All it would cost was his pride and he gave up on having any a long time ago.

And really, gettin' paid to have sex was easy money, made by lying' on your back. It was nothing Eggsy hadn't done before with some of his more risqué exes. The only difference was this time, he'd be gettin paid for it and more than one person'd see it. Or at least that's what he keeps telling himself.

Though all this - the professional office, the chrome, the little old secretary - is not what he expected when he signed on the dotted line. When that old geezer propositioned him, Eggsy thought it would be a quick, dirty fuck in the back of an alley, filmed on a shitty mobile phone and uploaded to some amateur porn website by an old man whose marriage ended a long time ago. He didn't like the thought of being some rich prick's rent boy but he was getting paid, and paid well. He couldn't refuse.

But when he showed up in the heart of London, surrounded by all sorts of corporate buildings, he was well and truly fucking shocked. The situation only got even more bizarre when he checked in with the little old lady sitting behind the desk.

"Eggsy, Mr. Hart will see you now."

Startled out of his thoughts, Eggsy bolts up in his seat like a nervous schoolboy caught doing something naughty. He nervously runs a hand through his cropped hair and tries to smooth out his jeans. The secretary shoots him a kind smile.

"Alrigh'?"

"Mr. Hart's waiting in the green room, take a left down this hallway. It'll be the last door on the right."

"Thanks," Eggsy responds, mustering up a half hearted smile. "'preciate it."

Inclining her head, she goes back to tapping away on her computer. Eggsy stares at her for a few moments, unsure of what to do with himself before deciding to just get it over and done with. The sooner he meets this Mr. Hart, the quicker they can get to fucking, and the quicker he'll make bank.

Walking down the overly bright hallway makes Eggsy feel like he's on a death march, the scuff of his trainers on the tile over-loud and ringing in his ears. With each step forward, it feels like his feet are turning into blocks of cement. Dread builds low in his belly.

The closer he gets to the door, the more he realizes how shit of an idea this really is. He can't do this - he can't fuck some geriatric prick who most likely needs help getting it up, while getting filmed.

Just as he's turning around to bolt out of there and never look back, the door to the room swings open. He steps back quickly to avoid a bloody nose.

"Oh. And who might you be?"

A posh, refined accent questions him.

Eggsy's head snaps up with so much force he almost gives himself whiplash. Looking like a deer caught in headlights, Eggsy stares up at the stranger, dumbfounded.

Whoever he is, he's well fit. While he definitely falls into the middle age category, the stranger has a certain air of timelessness about him which overall gives him the effect of youth. He's got a thick head of dark hair, with thin lips and peaceful eyes. He's trim and lean, broad shouldered. Tall and wiry.

A tailor fitted suit cloaks his body, a pair of fancy shoes and black rimmed glasses completing his well put together outfit.

Eggsy squirms, immediately fixing his gaze to the floor. That suit probably costs more than an entire year's rent at his flat. He feels inferior next to such an aristocratic looking man in his trussed up jeans, frayed jumper, and manky trainers. Pleb meet your superior.

Scratching at the side of his neck, Eggsy starts shuffling backwards, refusing to make eye contact. "S'nothin'. Sorry, I was jus' leavin'."

The man opens his mouth, looking like he's about to protest when Eggy's back suddenly slams into something hard and he stumbles forward.

Windmilling his arms, Eggsy tries to regain balance. A gentle hand placed against his chest steadies him. When he glances up and meets the stranger's amused gaze, Eggsy flushes and immediately shies away from the touch.

There's muffled cursing coming from behind them and together, Eggsy and the unknown man turn to look at the poor unfortunate soul caught in the crossfire. All the colour drains from Eggsy's face when he sees who he bumped into.

It's the prick who propositioned him.

He's rubbing a wrinkled hand against his breast plate, frowning. The wrinkles lining his mouth are deeply etched into his face. His thick glasses are askew and his snowy hair looks disheveled. He's also wearing a suit but it doesn't look nearly as good on him as it does on the man standing next to Eggsy.

"Fucking hell…"

Hooded, watery blue eyes peer at the both of them through thick lenses.

Eggsy suppresses his urge to be sick. He can't believe he got desperate enough to even think about letting this dirty old bastard use his arse for money. A cold shiver races down his spine at the thought of lying back and taking it from this walking skeleton.

"Sorry, was just on my way out," says Eggsy, edging towards the other side of the hallway. Both of the men are watching him curiously and he just wants to curl in a hole and die. As if it wasn't bad enough even coming into a building used to film porn, he embarrasses himself by almost killing the man he was supposed to fuck. "Must've got the wrong address."

The newcomer raises a white eyebrow, eyes roving over Eggsy's body.

' _Dirty fuckin' pervert_.'

"No, you've got the right address. After all, I'm the one that gave it to you."

Mysterious Suit Man hasn't taken his eyes off of Eggsy since they bumped into one another, and after hearing that, his expression grew thoughtful, gaze even more intense and curious and something else entirely. Something dark. Eggsy would say he looked downright predatory if he didn't know any better.

"Ah, so you must be Eggsy," that smooth accent curls around his name and sends a shot of liquid fire straight into his gut. "It's a pleasure to finally meet the man I'll be working with. Arthur has told me much about you."

Eggsy's skin crawls.

"Arthur?" he questions, quickly glancing towards Father Christmas. "I'm assumin' tha' makes you Mr. Hart, am I righ'?"

Mr. Hart smiles congenitally, eyes crinkling at the corners, dipping his head in greeting. He holds out a large, square palm.

Cautiously placing his hand in the other's, Eggsy gives it a brief shake before quickly dropping it. He tries not to think about how good the other man's skin felt against his own, or how warm and soft his palm was. How those hands would feel sliding across his ribs and down his thighs.

Clearing his throat, Eggsy jabs a thumb over his shoulder towards the exit. "Well, it's been nice but I changed m' mind. I'm sorry, Arthur. I though' I could do it but there's jus' no way I'm lettin' you inside me, brov. No hard feelin's though, yeah?"

For a moment, Arthur and Mr. Hart both look equally stunned before a startled, reedy chuckle tumbles passed Arthur's lips and Mr. Hart looks thoroughly amused, lips titled in a crooked smile.

Eggsy scowls, ears heating up at their obvious enjoyment at his expense. He feels like he missed something colossal and just made a right arse of himself somehow. Turning on his heel, he starts to march away without a word.

They suppress their laughter before he can get too far away.

"Oh my dear boy, thank you," Arthur says, still chuckling slightly. "I needed a good laugh."

"Yeah? Well, glad a pleb like me could provide some entertainment for a stuck up - "

Mr. Hart swiftly interrupts before Eggsy can put his foot in his mouth. He smooths a hand down his chest, brushing out the wrinkles as he speaks, "What he means to say, Eggsy, is that it's amusing that you came here under the assumption you'd be making a film with Arthur."

Eggsy's brows furrow in confusion, giving a moue of displeasure.

"Who was I supposed to do the film with, then?"

Mr. Hart grins, all teeth and suddenly, the kind gentleman persona melts away and Eggsy sees that Mr. Hart is just a wolf waiting patiently for its prey.

"With me."


End file.
